Empire

The Romans ruled Britain for about 400 years, until sometime in the 4th century A.D. Well, to be fair a number of those years were spent attempting to subdue the locals, building a wall to keep out some of the most ferocious ones, binding wounds, burying dead, and ringing up Rome for more troops. Britannia used up a lot of Romans, but there were always more on the way. The army was largely made up of soldiers from previously conquered nations, so the more you conquered the more you could conquer, and all without risking a hair on a single Roman head. They didn’t get as far as Britannia by being stupid.

Finally, what with invasions and insurrections and politics, Rome felt the need to pull in its horns a bit, and in short order the occupying Romans had got on their ships and disappeared over the horizon, leaving behind a considerable body of public works and a lot of puzzled Britons:

“That’s the last of them, then. They’re really gone. Left the walls and the roads, though, didn’t they? And those flash villas. Guess we could tear those up for huts and pigstys right enough. But what are we going to do with all these flippin’ ancient forests?”

“What would the Romans do, mate?”

“Good question. My guess is they’d chop down every last tree, build a whole lot of ships, and sail off to conquer lots of other countries and create an empire.”

“Brilliant idea, that. But what’ll we do when we run out of trees?”

“We’ll conquer Canada.”

“Right. Hand me that axe.”

And so, following the example of their conquerors, the Britons conquered. And they were good at it. By the time of the American Insurrection they had a cracking empire of their own. Even losing a round didn’t slow ’em down much, and I’ve never been entirely sure we actually won that one (though now that George Bush is dragging Tony Blair down like a Texas-sized anchor, it must seem ever more to the British like a genuine defeat). To and from Africa, India, China, and points beyond, the British Navy and its auxilliary fleet the British East India Company controlled the flow of such necessities as opium, textiles, and tea. Even in the far Antipodes, one could proclaim oneself Britannium civilus. So aside from the roads– yeah, all right, the roads – what have the Romans done for Britannia? Given them a degree of diversity such that a man with ritual scars on his cheeks can leave his cell phone in a launderette in Kennington Lane, SEll.

I gotta admit I love this place.